


eyes on me

by junkeigo



Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: M/M, Slice of Life, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24090181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junkeigo/pseuds/junkeigo
Summary: Sukai is quiet, unlike the other people Shosei had volunteered for before.
Relationships: Kinjo Sukai/Ohira Shosei
Comments: 13
Kudos: 29





	eyes on me

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [（授权翻译）你的眼神](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27284845) by [miowhysoserious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miowhysoserious/pseuds/miowhysoserious)



Shosei double checks the address once, twice then. 

He made sure he got the numbers correctly, as well as the street number and the apartment before knocking. 

He knocks twice, and he hears some shuffling from behind the door.

“Who is it?” a voice asks from the other side of the door, a deep voice but there’s a lilt to it that surprises Shosei a little. He clears his throat and steps closer to the door.

“I’m a volunteer for the association. This is Kinjo Sukai-san’s house?” he asks, and there’s a pregnant pause after. He then hears the unlatching of the locks, and the door swings open to a tall young man. He’s thin, but just enough that it doesn’t make him look too sickly. He has black hair and striking features that would seem intimidating to some. His lips are pursed, and it makes Shosei wonder if his presence there is actually welcomed. 

“Yes. I’m Kinjo Sukai. What brings you here?” the boy confirms, his body facing Shosei but his head is shifted to the side. Shosei watches him a little bit more, before he snaps out of it. 

“I’m here as a volunteer, so anything I can help you with I’m here for.” Shosei explains rather briefly, still testing the waters. 

Sukai lets him in eventually, telling him to feel free and at home. Sukai points to him the direction of the sofa to sit on, as he slowly goes to the kitchen to get Shosei some juice. 

The blond haired male looks around the place with his eyes. There isn’t much, just a small sofa to receive visitors along with a small coffee table. There aren’t any wall decorations at all, nothing that says that a Kinjo Sukai lived there. There’s bits of messes here and there, garbage unseen on corners and dust everywhere. The curtains look dirty and heavy to touch, so Shosei makes a mental note to work on that later on.

Sukai hands him a small juice box with a separate straw. Shosei accepts it with both hands and bows a little to Sukai, then feels embarrassed shortly after. Sukai sits slowly adjacent to him on the chair by the other side of the coffee table. He’s silent, and Shosei understands. He did hear from his Team Leader that he’s getting a first timer, and they could be reacting differently depending on the person and situation. 

“My name is Ohira Shosei by the way. I’m 20 years old, and have been volunteering with the association for more than 2 years now.” he starts off, spinning the juice box a little in his hands. “I’ve been volunteering since I turned 18, so I guess that could be my assurance to you?” he says, gauging Sukai. 

Sukai gives a little nod. 

“Well I’m Kinjo Sukai, and I guess we’re same age friends.” his voice is still tensed, but a little bit better than earlier. Shosei is beginning to think that this is actually the way he speaks. “I’ve justㅡI’ve been discharged for a couple of weeks now. So this is new, everything is.” 

Shosei nods, taking a heavy exhale out. It always is, and he understands the situation completely. 

“I understand, and as I’ve mentioned earlierㅡ everything you need help with I’m here for, so just feel free to ask. May it be counselling, or training or assistance in most things. I’m going to have to leave my number in your speed dial by the way, you’re comfortable with using your phone for calls already right?” he asks, and Sukai nods. “Is there anything in particular you want me to do first?” 

Sukai seems to be deep in thought, and then shakes his head. 

“Okay, I’ll start with cleaning up a little. I’ll let you know if I need help with something okay?” he tells him, and Sukai nods. 

* * *

Shosei’s mother owns a family restaurant, so it’s where he worked half the time. 

He didn’t pursue higher education after graduation because his plans were to help out his mother in the store primarily. It was a good business, enough to get their family by and have him and his sister survive all these years. His older sister had already married, so as the only child remaining he found it his moral obligation to stay beside his mother and help out as repayment for all the sacrifices done for them. 

Aside from helping out in the restaurant, he spends the remainder of his time as a volunteer. His mother supports his activities, proud at her son for having the heart to help out other people. His mother had sometimes worried for him, thinking that he should be enjoying his youth but he assures her that this is what he wants to do, that helping others is what makes him happy as well and for her to not worry too much about him anymore. 

Shosei had always just been a simple person. The idea that he was able to help someone in need and see them survive each passing day is what makes him feel content and thankful. He wanted to share that feeling with people, the positivity, especially to those who need it the most. 

Sukai obviously isn’t the first person he volunteered for, but for the black haired man this is the first time in his life that he’s put in this type of setup, so Shosei wants to make sure that the other experiences the smoothest and best assistance that he could offer. 

He drops by every other day to visit Sukaiㅡhelping clean his place first and then helping with the laundry. He seems to have a basic idea of where everything is, likely due to muscle memory so even though it takes him to move slowly around the house he still manages to get the basic things done even on his own. Shosei wants to ask why there’s no one there helping him when he needs it, but it’s something that doesn’t have to be forced out but told on its own instead. 

Sukai is quiet, unlike the other people Shosei had volunteered for before. Most of them back then always wanted to talk and have someone listen to them, and as part of helping Shosei lends an ear to them and sometimes give them advice when he thinks they need it. It had been days already that he’s spending time with Sukai and yet he only knows the basic information about him, like the fact that they’re the same age, with the black haired man being younger by a few weeks. He knows Sukai could be one those people that just doesn’t like to talk, but he doesn’t live with anyone and nobody else seems to visit him other than the blond haired manㅡso surely he must want to release that pent up bundle of words at some point? 

Shosei really doesn’t like forcing people, so he tries to make the approach as light as possible. He asks Sukai what types of music he likes so he can play it while they’re cleaning, or what Sukai’s favorite color is so he can change the sheets to that. It doesn’t really matter, some nonsense questions here and thereㅡbut if it’s going to make Sukai talk then Shosei is willing to take it and learn more about the boy.

Shosei brings food over one day, fresh from the restaurant. He packed a little bit more for Sukai and him to share, hoping the food will make him talk a bit more than usual that day. 

“Sukai?” he asks, knocking at the door one afternoon, just a little bit after lunch. He had told his mother he’s going to eat his lunch with the younger man. 

“Shosei?” the black haired male opens the door for him, looking a bit surprised over the sudden visit. “What’s wrong?” 

Shosei frowns a little at the thought of Sukai thinking there was something wrong even before he had spoken out. 

“Nothing, I just came from work and thought I should share lunch with you. You haven’t eaten yet right?” he asks, a bit too cheery to his own ears. 

Sukai lets him in nonetheless, telling him to set down the food on the table as he gets utensils from the kitchen. It takes him a while, but it was just enough time for Shosei to set everything up. 

“Sorry it took me so long. I had to make sure I was getting the right ones.” Sukai apologizes, as he sits down on his usual spot. “I’m already taking up a chunk of your lunch break.”

“It’s fine! I work at my mother’s restaurant, so as long as I return later I can take a lunch break as long as I can I guess.” he explains, setting the carton of takeout boxes for Sukai.

“I didn’t know that.” the younger says rather dumbly, and Shosei chuckles.

“Well, you never asked. I’m more than willing to answer any question or request, it’s basically what I’m here for.” he says as if it’s a matter of fact. 

He brought sweet and spicy pork with fried rice, as well as side dishes and dessert that he thinks Sukai might enjoy. 

Sukai had been living off of reheatable things as far as he knows, because given the current situation he can’t afford to cook for himself even if he can before. 

They eat once again in silence, the sound of food being chewed enveloping the entire room. Shosei is already used to his mother’s cooking that’s why he’s just happily munching on his food. Sukai seems to be enjoying himself from having a break eating the reheatable food he has, the takeout box practically almost covering his face from being too close. Shosei takes his time eating, as he knows the latter would be too, and just marvels at the silence around them. The weather is too good, and the serenity of it allㅡthe occasional barking of the dog in the neighborhood, the light hum of the fan and the cars that pass by the street every now and thenㅡmakes Shosei relaxed and be at bliss. 

He finds himself watching Sukai eat, the typical wrinkles on his forehead gone and is now in a more relaxed stance compared to when he first met him. He looks at peace like that, chewing on his food a bit messily (because of the sauce, Shosei takes note of that one). Shosei instinctively takes a napkin from one of the takeout bags, reaching out to wipe the smudge of sauce on Sukai’s face. The younger tenses up, and Shosei realizes what he had just done without saying anything.

“I’m sorry, there was some sauce on your face. I just wiped it off.” he’s quick to apologize, setting the napkin down and sitting back to lean on the couch. 

“I-It’s fine. I just didn’t know.” Sukai stutters a bit, but then continues on eating. “This food is really good.” 

“Thanks, my mom did all the cooking. I chop everything for her though.” he boasts a little, taking a little bit of pride in their food. 

“I could eat this everyday.” Sukai continues, speaking as he’s chewing the rice. 

“If you want to, why not? I’ll bring you food everyday. Maybe it’s about time we let your reheated food to rest?” he jokes, and Sukai chuckles.

It came off as a surprise to Shosei that it didn’t even register to him that Sukai is laughing at first. It’s such a foreign sound to hear from him, but its not unwelcoming. It sounds even a little bit melodious to his ears, if he has to admit. 

“If you make me eat all this delicious food everyday, I’ll never eat the reheated convenience store food again.” Sukai simply says, finally setting down the takeout box but only because it’s empty already. 

“It’s fine. I’ll just eat here with you everyday, until you get tired. I like spending time with you anyway, you’re a good companion.” he says, and he’s not even lying. There’s something about being around Sukai and helping him that makes Shosei feel relaxed and he likes the feeling. 

“How’s that so? I don’t even talk a lot.” Sukai replies, and Shosei realizes that this the most they’ve already talked with each other. Maybe Sukai was finally in the mood. Maybe it was the food. He’s not sure, but he appreciates it now even more than ever. 

“You don’t have to talk a lot to be a good person to be with. Sometimes, being just there is enoughㅡdon’t you think so?” 

* * *

Something definitely shifted after that fateful day of them eating lunch, because Sukai had begun being more communicative towards him ever since.

Shosei doesn’t know what it was, but he’s thankful the younger had begun to be a bit more open, even if it’s a small crack in. He’s still insistent in helping him, which was his goal in the first place. No matter what help it was. 

He finds out that unlike him, Sukai was not able to graduate as a high school student. His mother had remarried, and because he was against the marriage the new husband had insisted to leave Sukai behind. One day he just woke up and everyone was just gone, and it left him having to work for himself to survive on his own. He tried a bunch of part time jobs open for people his age then, like working in a convenience store and running errands. Eventually he ended up working in a site as a construction worker. It didn’t need any diploma or degree, just someone who can put in a bit of weight and physical effort. The pay was better even though he had to endure being under the sun the whole day lifting heavy materials around and getting into compromising heights to be able to help finish the construction. 

“The company did cover for all the hospital expenses. But, I’m this now.” Sukai tells him one afternoon that they’re taking a walk in the neighborhood, with Shosei just right beside him. Not too close for Sukai to feel uncomfortable, but just enough to still be able to guide him on which direction he should step next. “I can’t see anymore, and that’s that.”

An unfateful day in the workplace, an onsite accident, had cost Sukai his eyesight in just a single snap. Shosei is quiet as he listens, letting Sukai finally breathe out everything that he had been holding on to all this time. 

Sukai doesn’t sound angry as he retells the events, but rather melancholic. 

“The doctors told me I was lucky to survive, but then as days passed by I thoughtㅡam I really lucky? I can’t see anything anymore. It’s frustrating, and there are times I wished I just didn’t survive.” 

Shosei empathizes, as they find a bench in the neighborhood park to sit on. He helps Sukai by guiding him where to sit, and he follows suit. The day is slow, and there’s not really a lot of people in the park. It’s also almost sunset, most people are just rushing home. 

“But what if you’re here for a reason? That’s why you’re still here?” he says, and Sukai makes a little tilt of his head. “I always tell this to the other people I’ve volunteered for before. That all of us, we’re here for a reason. Even the plants, and the animals in the surroundings. Even the ants that carry crumbs of the food we ate, they’re here for a reason. No one really knows what that could be, at least until that moment happens andㅡ” he snaps, “ㅡyou realize that  _ oh, this is the reason why I’m still here. _ ” 

Sukai is facing the distance, but Shosei could easily tell through his body language that he’s thinking. 

“You’re so optimistic.” Sukai says as he chuckles a little, after a couple of minutes of silence between them. 

“What’s wrong with that?” 

“Nothing, I just find it crazy how there are still optimistic people like you that can think like that.” 

“The world’s already too dark for us, you and me both, I don’t think that a little spark of light in comparison would hurt anyone.” he admits, moving his legs here and there by turning so they don’t fall asleep. 

“I don’t think you’re just a little spark of light though.” Sukai says, but before Shosei could even ask him what that meant, the latter stands up. “Let’s go back, I’m kind of tired and sleepy.” 

* * *

Sukai wants to go to a library. 

The call actually woke Shosei up, as he was intending to sleep late that day because it’s his day off from the restaurant of some sorts. His phone is always just by his pillow, so the loud ringtone woke him up almost immediately. 

Sukai had told him he wants to go to the library, if Shosei is free today. Even if Shosei wasn’t, he thinks he would have probably still made time for it. 

It’s the first time Sukai actually had legitimately asked something from him that came out of his own accord, and not just Shosei pushing him or insisting for him. 

He picks him up at his apartment a little before 10, after trying to get ready as fast as he can. The library is a little bit far from where Sukai resides, so he tells the black haired male that they would have to take the train. 

Sukai admits that this is the first time that he is fully going outside, away from the quiet neighborhoodㅡand Shosei takes it as a cue for them to take their time. It could get a little bit overwhelming for Sukai and he understands that, so he tries to guide him as much as he could but without making it seem like Sukai is just solely relying on him for everything. He wanted to make it as natural for him as possible. 

Sukai did insist on wearing sunglasses, because he’s still unused to the idea of people casting him looks even though he can’t see them. Shosei respects that and even jokes around that Sukai looks like an idol to which he gets a hit in the arm for. 

The station isn’t that noisy, but for someone who can’t see and whose senses rely on mostly hearing Shosei knows it can be a lot to take in all at once. He asks Sukai if he’s just fineㅡstarting to think that  _ maybe they should have just taken the cabㅡ _ but the younger assures him that he’s fine. 

“This is embarrassing butㅡ" Sukai suddenly says while walking. “ㅡcan you hold my hand? I don’t want to get lost while walking.” 

Shosei takes his hand into his, and it fits a bit too well than he would have expected. Sukai’s hands are rough, probably from all the labor he had to do back then, and Shosei could feel some bumps here and there, probably from scars and stitches. It’s rough, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. In fact, his hands feel warm against his own. 

“See, that’s not so embarrassing wasn’t it?” Shosei says as he holds on to Sukai, leading him to the queue for the train. 

Sukai asks him to describe the environment while they’re waiting, so Shosei patiently describes to him what kinds of people are there and what colors they are wearing. The texture of their clothes and the walls surrounding them, alikening to what Sukai probably remembers when he can still see. 

“Can you hear the train?” Shosei asks, and Sukai nods. “Well, it’s still the same as you would have probably remembered it. Like a long tin can.”

“Wow, you’re so good at describing Shosei.” Sukai says in a mocking tone, and Shosei just lightly hits him in the arm as he tugs him to go in the train with him. They find a seat for Sukai but Shosei opted to stand, considering how slightly loaded the train is that time. 

It’s only when they’re almost at the station when he realizes that Sukai hasn’t let go of his hand the entire time. 

They alight the train and walk a little from the station to get to the library. There’s not many people there, to which Shosei finds delightful. 

It turns out Sukai wanted to learn how to read in Braille. 

Shosei helps him out, to the best of his ability. Thankfully there are a lot of materials in the library, and it’s helpful for them both. 

Sukai is a fast learner, but there’s still more to learn and Shosei could see that the younger is a bit tired already. 

“Hey Sukai, how about we take a break first, and read something else? I’ll read for you.” Shosei offers, offering to relieve the fatigue of the younger male. 

He leaves Sukai for a while, looking at books he can possibly read for him. He had done this before too during his previous volunteer work as a recreational activity, and it’s always a good go to activity. 

He returns after a short while, and Sukai had already closed the book in front of him and is just waiting. 

“I have here some books with me, I’ll give you some summary and just let me know which one would you want me to read okay?” he explains and enumerates the books they’ve brought. He ends up reading a fictional story about Atlas, the titan who had to carry the world on his shoulders as punishment for leading the war against the gods. Sukai seems to have enjoyed what he had read, even thought it was just a narration. He requests for Shosei to read more, to which he complies rather easily. 

They only leave the library when it’s late in the afternoon, and this really wasn’t the way Shosei thought he was going to spend his day off, but it was an enjoyable day for him nonetheless. 

“Do you have anything else you want to do today?” Shosei asks the black haired male. 

They end up going to a karaoke place. 

He has to lightly nudge Sukai on their way in so he doesn’t accidentally enter the wrong room, and the moment they do Sukai goes for the microphone almost immediately upon Shosei’s instructions on where it is. 

It turns out Sukai has a good voice. It’s not that low but also not too pitchy, just enough for him to sound like he’s grazing over the notes in the songㅡjust like how one would run their fingers in a grassy field. It’s pleasant to listen to, and Shosei finds himself swaying along as Sukai sings to a ballad. He seems to have memorized the lyrics to heart, moving along to the melody and singing passionately. It’s a side of him that Shosei hasn’t seen yet, and it feels like a very intimate thing that Shosei almost wants to close his eyesㅡas if he’s undeserving to watch the black haired male sing his heart out. His voice is beautiful, just to simply put it, and Shosei feels as if he’s swimming in cool waters at that moment. 

Eventually, Sukai tires himself out from singing, and tells him that maybe they should go back. 

“Thank you for accompanying me.” Sukai tells him as they’re walking back to his place. It’s already dark out when they arrived back, but Shosei doesn’t mind. He did inform his mother that he’ll be late out to do volunteer work. 

“It’s fine, you should always ask for favors from me. I feel guilty sometimes because you don’t really ask for much. I feel like I’m not doing a lot for you.” he admits. The previous people he had been with were more open with him, always asking things from him and not that he minded itㅡit was just that Sukai was different. He was low maintenance compared to them, so to sayㅡand it must be because they’re the same age that Shosei feels comfortable with him. 

“But you’re already doing the most for me, no?” Sukai says, walking a bit slower. “You being there, it just helps. I never thought it would, because I’m so used to people leaving me, so you being there is…” 

Shosei knows Sukai is looking for the right word to say, so he stays silent. He gives him his time, walking beside him and matching his pace. 

It’s already when they’re at Sukai’s doorstep that Sukai holds him by the wrist, and it takes Shosei aback that it feels as if the wind was knocked out of his lungs. 

“Healing.” Sukai almost barely whispers, and Shosei makes a questioned hum. “You being here. It’s healing to me.”

Shosei doesn’t know what to say, so he just stands there looking at Sukai who couldn’t even see him, and never has, and probably never will. 

* * *

“I just realized that I never know what you look like.” Sukai says one day when they’re sitting in one of the benches in the neighborhood park, because he wanted fresh air. 

“Well, I have ears, and nose, and a mouthㅡ” he jokes, and Sukai tries to hit him blindly but it barely grazes his shoulder. 

“No, but at least, could you describe what you look like? I don’t even know what color your eyes have.” 

“Why’s that so important?” 

“I don’t know, I’m just really curious as to what you look like.” Sukai insists, and his shoulders slump as he thinks of how to describe himself. 

“My eyes are brown, and I have blond hair. I bleached it myself because it looked fun on the Youtube tutorial videos, so it’s not the finest piece of work. I have these eyes, you know the droopy sad kind that slopes down? Yeah.” 

“You must be handsome.” Sukai says, laughing a little. 

Shosei had never particularly thought of himself as handsome, and aside from his mother no one else had told him that upfront, so he doesn’t know how to react. 

“Not really, don’t set your expectations too high, I’m just an average looking fellow.” 

“But you have a nice voice, so it would only make sense if you look good too.” Sukai insists, and Shosei just watches him sit and look beyond the park even though he’s unseeing. 

“I’m going to ask for a request, but I don’t know if I should.” Sukai says after a long silence between them. Shosei turns to look at him, head tilted to the side. 

“Is it something dangerous? Becauseㅡ”

“ _ No, _ noㅡit’s just thatㅡ” Sukai hesitates, and it’s the first time Shosei had seen him like that. “ㅡI want to touch your face. I want to know what you could possibly look like. I’m sorry, that must have sounded really weird…” 

Shosei is silent, and the agonizing silence makes Sukai feel uneasy. 

This is the first time, that it had been like this, and the Shosei can hear the gears on his head move as loud as the pounding in his chest. 

“It’s fine if you don’t want to, it was already weird of a request anywayㅡ" Sukai tries to take back what he asked but Shosei stops him with his hand. He guides the younger’s hand to his cheek, and Sukai’s touch feels warm against it. 

Sukai takes his time, slowly ghosting his fingers through every facial feature that he has, from his eyebrows down to his nose to the corner of his lips. Shosei is just sitting there, and for some reason at some point he closes his eyes, and lets Sukai learn a little bit more about him. 

“I’ve never really wanted to see anything as much as I want to see you right now.” Sukai says, one hand cupping Shosei’s cheek. It sounds so sad to his ears, that it makes him a little bit of prickling pain on his chest, as if a needle is stuck in there. No more words are needed to be said, because Shosei feels it all. 

“Sukai…” Shosei cuts him off, but he doesn’t actually know where to begin. His thoughts are a mess, and his heart is beating rapidly as if he had been running. He might as well be, from the lack of air in his lungs at the moment. 

The silence itself between them is speaking words as fast as a mile a minute, loud in the stillness that it might as well be screaming. Sukai sits there, facing the distance yet again unseeing, and the words Shosei wants to say have been incorporated in the pile of emotions and thoughts running inside of him at the moment.

* * *

Shosei wonders, if Sukai only felt like that towards him because he was kind to him and he was the only one that spent time with him a lot. Shosei also wonders, if he liked Sukai for his feelings to act up on him that day, or if he only felt pitiful towards him. There’s a line that should have been drawn from the very beginning, but it never was establishedㅡand so everything is blurry and Shosei can’t decipher where it should begin and end, and what is right or wrong. 

He wants to know the right words to say, the right thing to do. 

He’s afraid to face Sukai again for some reason, but mans it up because there’s nothing else to do but face it head on, may it be that he has a resolve already or not. 

“About the other day…” Sukai starts off, just a few minutes after Shosei came over. “We can just forget about it yeah?” 

Shosei stares at Sukai. He wants to say no, but then what? Even he doesn’t know how to respond and how to deal with it after because he still hasn’t sorted out his feelings yet. 

So they pretend, as if it never happened. At leas it buys him enough time to think even more. 

Sukai asks him still to teach him Braille. They eat Shosei’s mom’s cooking, and take afternoon walks in the neighborhood park just like they always do. Some days Shosei forgets, but then there are days like today when he looks at Sukai walking in silence beside him taking in the warm sunlight and clear breeze as they walk where he remembers the oceanic wave of feelings ready to splash ashore at any given time, ready to topple down his sandcastle of resolve. 

He’s scared, and he doesn’t know why but that’s all he’s concluded after much thinking. His feelings overwhelm him, more and more each day that passes that the wave of emotions get bigger inside of him. 

He practically almost never remembers what it was like without being with Sukai, because he’s always there with him. It’s not even out of the nature of volunteering anymore he thinks, he just genuinely wants to be around him and care for him all the more he gives it a thought. 

With the things they do, and the words Sukai says, it’s obvious that there’s something between themㅡbut no one is making a move yet, as if both of them are afraid to ruin what they have. 

He feels like as if they’re playing tug of war, pushing and pulling at each other’s strings.

Shosei thinks he should hold on a bit more, even just a moment more. The uncertainty of everything scares him, the blurred lines. He knows that if one of them takes the plunge, may it be to release the rope or pull on it a bit harder than he should have, both of them would fall. He would rather put that in the back burner for now than risk it, and end up messing things up for him and Sukai. 

* * *

Sukai thinks he can hide it from Shosei, but the blond haired is far more observant than he thinks he is.

Shosei knows there’s something wrong. 

The walks they do every time they’re together became shorter recently, with Sukai always making up a different excuse every time. He watches the black haired male struggle a bit too much than before with most things, and his movements have been more sluggish than ever. 

At first, Shosei asks him lightly. If there’s anything wrong. Sukai reassures him, tells him everything is fine as it should be. Sometimes he would even say that it’s better, because Shosei is there with him. He always ends up feeling too embarrassed to say anything smart back, and it always leads to him having red ears. 

Shosei doesn’t believe him, not when sometimes he’s talking and he thinks Sukai can’t hear him. 

“Sukai.” he calls on to him one time he’s helping him with the laundry, and Sukai froze in the middle of the room with the clothes still in his hands. Shosei is by the sink, filling the basin with waterㅡand when Sukai still hasn’t moved he turns it off to go to him. The younger is crouched down on his knees, and his knuckles have almost whitened out from how hard he’s gripping the shirt in his hands. 

“Sukai.” the blond haired male repeats after himself, and tries to shake the latter only to withdraw his touch as soon as he feels his skin. “You’re burning up. Can you sit up? Sukai?” Shosei’s voice raises into panic and worry rolled into one. Sukai is nonresponsive, and Shosei is sure he’s not being heard at the moment. It breaks him that he doesn’t know what’s wrong and how can he help, so he rushes to the sink to dampen a towel. He rushes to press it on Sukai’s forehead and neck, and with this the latter seemed to have finally realized the older is within proximity. 

“Can you hear me now, Sukai?” 

Shosei waits, until he sees a slow nod from the other. 

“I’m going to help you up okay? Let’s get you to your bed slowly.” 

He doesn’t wait for Sukai to respond and just slowly helps him upㅡpropping one of his long arms on Shosei’s nape as the blond haired male assists him by the waist. Shosei isn’t that small, but compared to Sukai he’s a bit short of weight and height so helping him up is quite a struggle. 

It takes them quite some time to finally lie down Sukai, and Shosei does what he usually does for those who have high fever. He puts a damp towel on his forehead and only when Sukai’s breathing has been calm and rhythmic that Shosei decides to go out to get medicine and food and other necessities from his house. He tells his mother it’s because Sukai is sick before she can even react, and leaves as fast as he came. 

By the time he has returned, Sukai is still in deep slumber, so he puts the things on the table first and finishes the task he was doing earlier first. He finished just in time that Sukai stirs from his sleep, and Shosei immediately hurries to his aid. Sukai is still incoherent, just groaning here and there and upon checking with the thermometer his fever is alarmingly not going down. 

He gives him medicine and makes sure he gets hydrated once in a while, checking his temperature and making sure Sukai is as comfortable as he canㅡwhich isn’t really much, but Shosei could only do as much. 

He sun had set before he realizes it, and he informs his mother that he might not be able to go home at night because Sukai is sick. He’s thankful that his mother is understanding, and tells him to at least drop by the shop in the morning to get soup and change clothes. He’s not comfortable with leaving the younger burning up just like that, he worries about what could possibly happen if he was not there. 

There’s really nothing much to do now, as Sukai is sleeping again and all the chores he could do are done. 

He sees some books, newspapers and magazines sitting by the shelves and browses over the titles, seeing if there’s something that could be of his interest. There’s a photo album of some sorts, and Shosei carefully picks it up. 

There’s pictures of Sukai when he was just a kid, doing random things and in random places. There’s very few pictures than he thought it would have. He expected it to be brimming, but only the first few pages have been occupied and there’s not much pictures of Sukai as a teenager, as especially recent ones. As if he seized existing after some point. 

Shosei makes sure to remember to take pictures of Sukai when he gets better. The younger might not see anymore, but it doesn’t mean that he should stop existing and having bits of him as photographs, as memories. It’s not like Shosei is going to forget about him, he had already carved a place somewhere there inside Shosei that’s already rooted and far too deep to remove. 

A faint noise snaps him out of his reverie, and he thinks it’s his phone at first but then he realizes it’s coming from Sukai’s phone. He picks it up from the bedside table and sees an unknown number calling. 

He contemplates whether he should answer or not, but the call stops before he could even make up his mind. 

He checks the history of the number, and it seems as if its not the first time they called. Tens and hundreds of attempts have been recorded, and some are messages. Shosei knows he shouldn’t pry, but curiosity gets the best of him and he opens the messages. 

It’s Sukai’s mother, and the messages are varying in lengthㅡfrom short ones that just call Sukai’s name down to long ones, with complete explanations and apologies, and even more reasoning as Shosei scrolls. HIs mother seems to have no idea of what had happened to Sukai, judging from the messages. 

Shosei wonders if Sukai knows. Everything was unread before he opened the thread, and it’s not like Sukai can read it at this point. He closes the messages and sets the phone back on Sukai’s side, giving the younger a long look. Sukai looks so handsome like that, as he peacefully sleeps. Shosei knows Sukai is fairly good looking compared to peers their age, but he hasn’t looked at him from this standpoint. He thinks the other looks like a work of art, a sculpture with the way his jaw and nose is chiseled proportionally. It’s a sight Shosei had taken for granted before, but now in front of him like that he feels blessed. 

Shosei ends up falling asleep on the floor beside Sukai for some reason, and the moment he stirs awake the uncomfortable feeling hits him like a speeding bullet. His back is numb and stiff, and he feels cold. There’s a dull throbbing on his temples, probably from the cold as well, and he ignores it all and puts his effort and energy into sitting up. 

Sukai is still sleeping, the same as when he last remembers the night before. Shosei grabs the towel off his forehead and checks his temperature with the back of his hand, then with a thermometer. It hasn’t improved, instead it worsenedㅡwith the temperature higher than what it was the night before by a couple of celsius. 

There’s no choice left, so he takes him to the nearest hospital. 

Sukai gets admitted easily, and Shosei files the paperwork for him. He tells the doctor what had happened and his medical history, and he was told that they would run a few tests on him and it would take that first before they know whether its just a normal fever or something else. 

He takes a quick break to get back to Sukai’s place, grabbing a few of his things and then back to his house to change clothes at least. His mom catches him snatching a piece of bread as he heads out again, and holds him by the arm. 

“Shosei, I’m not stopping you from doing all this work and helping others because I know it’s in your best interest and intentions, butㅡdon’t forget about yourself too.” his mom worries over him, and he gives her quick, light hug. 

“Don’t worry about me mom, I’m fine. I can take care of myself.” 

“I know you can, but sometimes I still worry. You tend to put others first before yourself until you forget.” 

“I’m fine mom, really. Don’t worry about me. I have to head back to the hospital now.” 

His mom raises her eyebrows at the word.

“Sukai’s fever became worse, and they’re running tests on him now.”

“This, Sukai person… he’s not like any of the other people you volunteered for before.” his mom says, gauging him. 

Shosei can’t ever lie to his mother, and even if he does she ends up knowing the truth. Sometimes she knows things even before he does. 

“He’s different. He needs me, but then again now that I think about itㅡI think I need him more.”

He feels a bit lighter after saying that, and his mother smiles at him rather fondly.

“Then I hope he gets better soon.” she says, and he nods.

“I wish the same mom.” 

* * *

The thing that has made Sukai blind is apparently killing him. 

There’s a tumor, and it had been spreading without them knowing. Probably not even Sukai, but he sure had been feeling it for sure. 

The doctor tells Shosei this, as the person who is currently looking after him and as no one else would. Sukai never had relatives that looked after him, and friends that were willing to stay as far as Sukai told him. The blond haired male is at a loss or words, the gravity of the news pulling him down making his legs feel numb from where he’s sitting. 

‘Is there something that can be done, can it be stopped? Removed?” he asks, after the doctor had finished explaining.

There is a way, but it would take up money. Sukai would need to go to surgery, maybe once or twice depending on how successful it would become. If he’s lucky, he survives. Shosei doesn’t even want to think about the other option. 

Sukai doesn’t have a job, so he doesn’t have anything to his name. Just the apartment he was left behind in. He’s not as rich as he wants to be either, and can’t financially help in as well. But he doesn’t want Sukai to die, and wants him safe as soon as they can. 

He’s sitting in the chair beside Sukai’s bed when he feels a hand reach for his own weaklyㅡand Sukai is awake. Shosei feels relieved to see him at least moving again.

“Shosei?” Sukai faintly says, and the blond haired male takes his hand into his. 

“I’m here. You’re in the hospital, so don’t try to move as much okay? You might yank the IV off.” he explains.

“I’m sorry.” the younger apologizes and Shosei shakes his head. 

“What are you even sorry for? Don’t be sorry.” 

“I was trying not to make you worry, but I think I made it even worse.” 

“Just, tell me next time. If anything hurts just as much as a small scratch. Please.” 

“Alright. I’m really sorry Shosei.” Sukai apologizes once more, and Shosei hates it. He doesn’t want to hear him sound like that. 

The doctor and one of the nurses came over to check up on him, and after that he fed Sukai. He doesn’t mind it, and it’s not like Sukai has the energy and he has any other choice. Sukai is rather obedient, opening his mouth when Shosei nudges the spoon a little on his lips. 

Sukai falls asleep immediately after, probably due to the medicine, and Shosei takes it as his cue to go home once more and take a quick nap. He hasn’t properly slept at all, and as the adrenalin is wearing off he can feel the toll on his body kick in. 

When he returns to the hospital, Sukai is not in his bed.

He panics for a short while, and before he could lose his focus he asked around. 

He finds him in the hospital garden, assisted by one of the nurses as he’s on a wheelchair. 

“What are you doing here?” he asks as he approaches Sukai, almost hurrying his steps. 

“I feel suffocated in the room.” Sukai says simply, but there’s something in his voice that Shosei can’t place. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, standing in front of Sukai just so he could look at him. 

“I think you know what’s wrong.” 

Shosei thinks, and it could be one out of two things but before he could even ask Sukai heaves out a sigh. 

“I’m going to die soon.” 

“No you’re not.” he immediately rebuts, far too quick than he thought he can. 

“Shosei.” Sukai says, almost as if its a plea.

Once again, Shosei doesn’t know what to say. He had never been good with words. He was better with actions, with visual cues. 

“I’m going to die soon, and it makes me feel like shit because I don’t even want to die anymore.” Sukai is both sad and upset as he speaks, and Shosei could even hint the trace of fear. “I wanted to die so much back then because there’s no use for me anymore, but then you came and I just can’t bear to leave anymore. How can I leave when you’re here?”

“There’s a way.” he puts a hand on Sukai’s arm. “We can save you.” 

“I can’t afford it Shosei. I asked the doctor about it. I’m not going to drag you in with me either for this.” Sukai shakes his head, and Shosei takes a deep breath. 

“ _ There is _ a way, Sukai. Your motherㅡ" he wasn’t even done speaking when Sukai cuts him off.

“No.” 

“Sukai…" 

“She  _ left  _ me. She abandoned me.” 

“...and she regrets it every single day.” 

“How would you know that?” Sukai says, almost a bit too harsh on him.

“She’s been trying to keep in touch with you. Everyday. For the past few months. Through calls and messages.” he reveals, and he could see the way Sukai’s face twists. “You never told her didn’t you, and for that she doesn’t know.”

“I don’t need her, and she probably doesn’t need me if it was so easy for her to leave me alone like that.” Sukai is still scarred, and Shosei understands just as much. 

“Sukai.” he takes Sukai’s face in his hands, cupping his cheeks. “I don’t want to let you go either. But we can’t do this without help. I don’t want you to die. You already mean so much to me.” 

He can feel Sukai tense up as he speaks, and the younger purses his lips as if he’s trying to hold back. 

“You should tell her. I can tell you everything she’s said so far, but I think it would be better if you heard it from her directly. She can help you better than I can.” 

Shosei feels a tear slide through his fingers, and for the first time Sukai is crying. Shosei tries to wipe it with his fingers, smudging it away softly. 

“I don’t know, I’m confused and afraid and I’m justㅡ” Sukai breaks and Shosei gets on his knees so he can pull him in for a hug. “I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore.” 

The blond haired male pats Sukai’s back as he cries, and Shosei thinks that Sukai had been trying to put up a brave front all this time, when deep inside he’s just as scared and lonely.

When Sukai is more calmed down later on Shosei presses his forehead against the taller male’s, making their noses touch. 

“I’ll be here with you. I promise.” he takes a gulp, stopping himself from crying as well. “Let’s find a way through it alright? I’ll let you think about it. You’re not going to die. I’m going to be here.” he says, almost in a hushed whisper and he wipes the tears on Sukai’s face once more with his thumb. “You’re going to be fine. I’ll be here for you.” 

* * *

It had been a blur of days that had passed by quickly for Shosei. 

True to his word, he let Sukai think about it. He didn’t want to move and do something that he knows would break Sukai even more so he waited for him. He understood that Sukai needed to be ready, to be accepting and reconciled with the idea of bringing back again the past that had haunted him. 

As Sukai thought about it, Shosei had never left his side. He took care of him full time then, opting out from helping with the restaurant to focus on Sukai temporarily. His mother understands, and she knows how much Sukai meant to him. It was something she figured out with mother’s instincts, and no words were needed to be said between them. 

If back then Shosei had stalled for time to think about his feelings, he’s sure now of what Sukai meant to him, of what the younger male means to him. It was an easy answer that was in front of him all this time, and yet he didn’t know why it seemed like such a far away conclusion to reach. Sukai’s health and feelings mattered more at the moment though, not his, so he kept it to himself for the meantime. There would be a better time for it, he knows.

Sukai agreed to telling his mother about what is happening, and he’s there with them as they do it. He wants to leave at some point, just to give Sukai a little bit of privacy but the younger makes him stay, holding his hand the entire time. Sukai’s hand is cold to touch, and Shosei knows he must be feeling a lot of things all at once. 

Sukai listens, and Shosei knows he still has a long way to go in forgiving but the fact that he took the first step was already big enough of a deal as it is. When the conversation is done and his mother had promised to go to him as soon as possible, Sukai is still holding Shosei’s hand. 

They sit in silence, and Shosei rubs the back of Sukai’s hand with his thumb, as if to reassure himㅡand it’s more than enough. 

Sukai’s condition is worsening rather quickly, so surgery is scheduled as soon as possible. It’s set on the date just shortly before Sukai’s mother comes back to Japan, so Shosei stays the night with him. 

“I really want to see you. At least before I go.” Sukai says as Shosei wheels him in the hospital garden. Shosei hits the younger in the arm lightly. 

“You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you.”

“I want to see the face of the angel that saved me.” it’s cheesy, and Shosei shakes his head at it.

“I’m not an angel, I’m just... me. A normal person.”

“But not to me, you’re my everything.” Sukai says, and Shosei slows down wheeling him. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but thank you. If there’s anything I could do to repay you for everything you did for me...” 

“Stay living. That’s more than enough for me, Sukai.” he says and Sukai nods. 

“Just in case I don’t make itㅡ” 

“Sukai…” he interjects quickly and Sukai shushes him. 

“ _ Just in case _ , I want to tell you that I’m so thankful for your existence in my life, and if it means anythingㅡI love you. I loved you then, I love you now, and I’ll love you wherever I go after this.”

Shosei can feel his lips tremble, the sign of something coming to rush to his eyes, and before he could even stop it the tears have already escaped.

“I love you too, okay? and I’ll love you more, so don’t go anywhere else.” he says, trying to make it sound like he’s not crying so Sukai doesn’t notice. 

Shosei finds himself crying even more when Sukai is sleeping later that night, and he had to cry into the pillow to make sure Sukai doesn’t hear. He watches his sleeping form once more, watching the steady rise and fall of breathing of the younger’s chest. He’s beautiful against the moonlight like that, and Shosei isn’t religious but he prays that night. 

* * *

He gets to see Sukai one more time, before he enters the operating room. Sukai is donned in the gown for patients, and there are nurses ready to take him inside. Shosei had been unconsciously biting on his lip the entire morning out of anxiousness and seeing Sukai lying down like that isn’t helping him at all.

“Can you hold my hand? For good luck.” Sukai asks of him, and he does almost immediately, knowing time is of the essence. 

“Don’t think about it too much, I’ll be back before you know it.” Sukai tries to reassure him as he holds his hand tighter.

Then that’s it, as he is being wheeled in to the room already. 

“I’ll see you later Shosei, yeah?” he hears Sukai say before the doors close on them. 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think down at the comments below or at twitter @ for__jo1 :>


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